You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i will never coherently bang her
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
