Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
