are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
