i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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