Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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