This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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