U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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