he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
drinking out of a sandbucket again
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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