This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
