This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
