When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
