Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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