peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
