Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
