i barfeds in our rink
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
