Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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