i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I touched a dick in church today
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
