The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
