Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
