sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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