you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
