Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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