i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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