my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
