My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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