If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
