im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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