If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
