we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
