Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I yelled at your uterus for you.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
