even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
