update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
