This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
