i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
