i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
