Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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