i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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