I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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