New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
