the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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