Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
