just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
