i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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