when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Randomize
