sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
