wake up i wanna do it froggy style
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
mondays should just be called national damage control day
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
