I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
