i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
