Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
