So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
