She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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