Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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