I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
