There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
