my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
