her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
