You just made me feel so damn special
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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