Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
