I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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