do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
